Umm

So I have been feeling restless lately. I can't put my finger to it, but I am itching to run. I don't know where to or for how long, or when. But I am getting bored or ... complacent maybe?

Hey there, Raccoon Eyes

I haven't been sleeping great and I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like a raccoon, a nightime bandit if you will. It isn't fun. But hey, it happens.

I spent Monday after work at softball practice, and then cleaning my room until the wee hours because I promised my mom I would. I spent yesterday on the softball field at a game, and then when I went home I am not even sure where the night went - because next thing I knew it was 9:30 and we were just eating dinner, and then I watched the news (?!) and played on the computer and dried my hair and just fell into bed. And then my alarm rang like 7 seconds later signaling me to get up.

What is that about?

Today I plan to take it easy after work and get to bed at a reasonable time... Oh goodness.

And then one more random thought: I hate drama and conflict.

I am on the brink and I may leap. Catch me, baby, catch me; I am ready to fall.

I feel stagnant, shallow, stale. I am suffering. I don' know what from. I don't know anything anymore. Or ever? I am so non-complacent and I just DON'T KNOW.

It has always been so difficult for me to say that. I hate not knowing. I am a planner, I make plans. I know things in advance. I don't “wing it”, I don't shoot from the hip. I take aim and fire. I don't guess. I calculate. I don't not know. But now I feel like it is all I am ever saying. And (again) I don't know why.

I used to be so good at making decisions. I was decisive and I knew everything. I sound slightly conceited. Now I have so many options, and yet none at all. Everything is a massive, nasty contradiction and it isn't fair.

One the one hand I am 20 years old, and I have the ability to do anything. I am intelligent, I am caring, and I am kind. I am a generally nice, likeable person so I don’t doubt that I can do *anything*. I am going to change majors so that I can finish school as quickly as humanly possible. I will have a degree in Business Administration. There are a million and fifteen possible things to do with that.

On the other hand I am 20 years old, working full time, taking classes at night, and I am tired all day everyday. I am mentally drained. I am spent. Maxed out. I am still a generally nice, likeable person but I have zero energy to do anything. I feel 45 and I just get sick of dealing with the day-to-day crap. I have a life plan and I am still trying to decide if it is my life plan or the life plan that someone gave to me. I don’t want to do *anything*.

I think part of my problem is that most of my life has been spent doing the things that were expected of me. Maybe that is why I used to be able to make decisions. They were pre-made. I wasn’t deciding on what I wanted I was deciding on what someone already said I should do. I wasn’t decisive; I was blind or foolish. I have learned to think for myself. It seems like a late teenage rebellion. My parents don’t know what to think; they tell me I am just trying to be difficult. I’m not. I am trying to be me, or at least trying to learn who me is.

Sometimes I laugh when people ask me about music. What did I listen to when I was younger. I listened to country – but I don’t know if it was because I liked it or just because it was what my parents listened to. Now I have my own music and every now and then a country song gets added to the list. But it is because I want to put it there not because someone said I should.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being told what to do. I continually get into arguments at home because there is a bit of a power struggle going on. I am trying to gain it and my parents are trying not to lose it. I am 20 years old. I am an adult. But I still live in my parents’ house. I try to respect their wishes and do as they ask but sometimes I just want to make my own decisions.

My father, no matter what, constantly gives me advice. Advice I am neither asking for nor do I want. I have asked him time and time again to stop. I am strong and I am resilient. But I am not stupid, I will ask for advice when I need it. We have argued more times than I can count about his little interjections. I start feeling like I have control over my life and then when he starts telling me what I should do and sometimes I lose it. I have an Irish temper. It is what I do. It is all I ever knew. When I was growing up he was prone to little explosions, he has a temper. My mom has a temper. We are all strong personalities and sometimes it gets a little messy.

But I am trying. I am 20 years old and I have a full time job, a 3.8 GPA, my own car, my own insurance, two retirement plans, and an extremely strict budget. I am so far ahead of the game; I am much farther ahead then most people twice my age, let alone those who are my age.

In some ways I have been on my own for a very long time. I was forced to grow up a little sooner than I should have, but I deal. And in some ways I am just learning to stand on my own two feet, and I am a little shaky. I am going to fall, that is one thing I do know. I am going to fall and fall hard. I am going to get a bit bruised and I’m sure I will be undignified. But I will survive.

I will survive because I will refuse to quit, because I will not back down. It isn’t in my nature. I don’t like giving up even in the fight is futile. I was fight and I will survive, but I may not win. And I am OK with that. Because I am learning to accept that I cannot plan everything, and I cannot know everything in advance. And really? I am OK with that.

A Tosh Prayer

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

oh holy lord. protect me. from myself. and from others. preserve the little sanity I have left. and maintian me. amen.

हिंदी?

अहह! वीक फ्रॉम हेल = थे लास्ट २ वीक्स? इत हस बीन इंसाने! ई हर्द्लेय क्नोव वहत तो सय बेकाउसे तेरे रेअल्ल्य अरे नो वोर्द्स फ़ॉर इत। ई कान्नोत वेट तो जुस्त स्लीप थिस वीकएंड। नताली वांट्स मे तो गो तो हेर प्लय ओं सतुर्दय ऎंड थें गो तो थे फिल्लिएस गेम ओं सुन्दय; ई जुस्त डॉन'त क्नोव इफ ई कैन हंदले इत। ई रेअल्ल्य रेअल्ल्य रेअल्ल्य नीद तो रेस्ट थिस वीकएंड। एवेर्य टिम ई सय ई ऍम नॉट गोइंग तो गो आउट ई विंड उप स्तायिंग आउट तिल अल हौर्स ऑफ़ थे निघ्त ऎंड बीइंग एक्ष्हौस्तेद् थे नेक्ष्त् मोर्निंग व्हें ई कैन'त स्लीप इन। इत इस जुस्त दिफ्फिचुल्ट त्र्यिंग तो हवे अ लाइफ व्हें ई रेअल्ल्य डॉन'त वांट तो दो अन्य्थिंग; ई जुस्त वांट तो स्लीप!

ई लिके व्रितिंग इन हिंदी; ऑफ़ कोर्स व्हें ई कॉम बैक तो रीड इत ई विल हवे नो आईडिया वहत थिस सय्स ऎंड ई विल बे वैरी अपसेट... ऎंड अ लिटिल उन्कोम्फोर्ताब्ले मोस्ट लिकेल्य। ओह वेल्ल... ई फिगुरेड इत इस वोर्थ अ शोत।

UNSW here I am?

Well, g'day from Down Unda. I have arrived. (In Australia that is.) My plane landed at 6:15 am, local time, this morning and it is currently 5:25pm, just I am here just under 12 hours but so far I like it. I have gotten sunburned already (what with being the palest, most ghost-like apparition in the world it's no wonder), but that is OK - a little sunrburn on the bum never hurt anyone. (Well, actually it hurts be but who is counting?)

It's weird - they drive from the opposite side of the car, on the opposite side of the road, and it is a little bit distracting and I am not sure that I know what to do with any of it yet really. Also, I have already lost one pair of sunglasses. Actually I am fairly sure that I left that at the restaurant where we had lunch but ... who can really be sure? And... I haven't gone back to check yet. Maybe I will later this evening.

I am very tired. A 22 and 1/2 hour journey would put anyome through a loop. My flight was two hours late leaving from Philadelphia, and an hour late landing in San Fransico. I was very worried that I would miss my flight - but I RAN and RAN and RAN through that airport and made it in time to board. Only - problem. As I handed the man my boarding ticket he told me that it was invalid. WHAT?!?! Apparently you need a visa to enter Australia, and I didn't have one. So oh my goodness! I was worried but luckily I was allowed to purchase one right that at the counter. So, crisis averted.

Then the flight from San Fran to Sydney was 13 hours. That is a lot of hours to be sittting down in a cramped seat with people pressed in all around you. I sat next to a woman and her two, young children. Luckily they were adorable and well-behaved so no problems there.

All-in-all a good time so far! I am just glad to be here!! Missing everyone at home <3 LOVE YOU <3.

Hello, Spring.

So this time next week I will be in Australia!! Who is excited for me? I AM! Wooooo hooooo! But, yeah - my plane leaves in six days time and I am still not packed. That is so unlike me. I always start packing two weeks before I leave. Almost three weeks before I left for Italy! Now I am a bum.

I really need this mini-vacation though. I need it badly. I feel so claustrophobic right now, like everything in my life is closing in around me. I am suffocating. And there are so many things that are just... not right lately. I can't even really put a finger to it - I just don't like the place I am in right now. I don't like it one bit.

Hold me?